Finding Christ In A Rodeo Clown

Okay, before we get started a few small points:
1.This is a religious post. If that bothers you, you will not offend me by not reading it. But if you do decide you want to continue, I just ask that you continue with an open mind and heart. I love and respect you even if we don't share the same beliefs.
2. Yeah, yeah, yeah- I said I was going to start posting again in November. And did that happen? Nope. So there will be no false promises about future posts in this post. If I decide I have something I want to write about, I will. If not, eh.
3. So many big changes have happened just since November to the point where I honestly don't even feel like that same person. Someday, maybe, I'll get to fill you all in. But in the mean time, just know things are great. My new job is great (surprise!), my family is great, my friends are great, and surprisingly my lack of love life is great!
4. In true Destiny fashion- please go ahead and just prepare yourself for a lot  (I mean A LOT) of awkward honesty and TMI and okay, fingers crossed, maybe a little awesomeness?

That Time God Tried To Show Me He Exists (and I just wasn't having it)

AKA: Finding Christ In A Rodeo Clown

It makes me so uncomfortable to say I've "found" religion or "found" Christ. I mean, I guess that's true in a sense but it makes me feel like I somehow lost religion at one point in time and that's not entirely right. I grew up going to church with my parents. I went to sunday school classes (in fact, I even started my own Sunday School class in a very embarrassing way, but that may be another story for another day).  In junior high and high school, I hung around with a group of kids that went to church every Wednesday and most Sundays and I'd go along for the ride. After I graduated high school, several of the friends I stayed closer to were Christian and we'd talk about it from time to time- why they believed, why I wasn't sure if I did.  I never really lost Christ, he was always there. I just was never very receptive of his message. 

Honestly though, I was never in church, etc. because I was looking for a relationship with Christ. In fact, I was completely closed off to the idea. Yeah, I could memorize the books of the bible and I knew all the big bible stories, but it didn't mean anything to me. It was the same way I felt in a history class- bored and unattached. I was always just going because my mom made me or my friends were into it. I was never going because I wanted change or enlightenment. 

Don't get me wrong, I would pray but I always felt like they weren't good enough. I wasn't (and honestly, at the time, didn't want to) playing by the Bible and the standards it set forth. (Just to be real, I'm still in no ways legalistic about the bible but I do see it as a very helpful guide to living for Christ). It's hard to just believe something you hear in a book, especially a book that's as hard to comprehend and decipher as the Bible. The jist of it, it seemed to me was that you pray- they get answered. You have this person that loves you, you play by his rules, he rewards you. You are never alone- only thing is, I'd pray and they wouldn't be answered. I didn't feel especially loved and I'd look around but I couldn't see Christ. My prayers must not have been good enough, right? 

Wrong. 

Looking back, I can actually pinpoint moments where God was trying to show me that he exists. I didn't see them at the time and, I know, God won't just give you signs because you ask for them (Disclaimer- you cannot pray to God for proof he exists and be mad that you don't see that anything happens- the point is that you have to have faith!!) That being said, I do think he sends subtle signs like directional arrows towards the plan He has in store for you. These can be incredibly subtle or not at all what you had in mind. Have you ever heard someone say "God put it in my heart that...", yeah it's kind of like that! In my case though, possibly because God knows my heart a little too well sometimes, he knew I needed a big fat road sign that said "HEY, CRAZY! I'M REAL! I HEAR YOU!"

And here it is... the first sign I ever got that made me think okay maybe the Big Man is real...

 I had just turned 18 and had also just broken up with the cutest boy I will probably ever date (still smacking myself on the head for that one, another story for another day). Mainly we were too different but if I'm being honest, he was very Christian and I was very not. I was in that "fun" rebellious phase. He wanted a relationship, I wanted my "freedom". My mom loved him. Everyone thought he was handsome... and if I'm being honest in a lot ways I just felt like I didn't add up (okay, I'm coming out of the closet right now- I struggle with insecurity from time to time! What girl doesn't?) Yada yada yada... not the point.  

Anyways, I was going to a rodeo with my family. (It's Missouri! We do that sort of thing! Even in my skater/punk rock phase I still had a soft place in my heart for country boys!) Now, I don't know how many of you have been to a rodeo but before it starts, typically, there is a prayer. As I said, I was feeling especially insecure and thought I could use a pick me up and so I prayed the single most stupid prayer I have probably ever prayed and, while my head was bowed, I silently threw in a little prayer of my own that sounded something like "Dear God, please let some guy hit on me!" (I like to think I worded it better than that but I was 18 and yeah, probably not!)

Mind you, we were at a rodeo! There was no shortage of cute country boys! I felt like this was a nice simple request (disclaimer: praying isn't really about requesting. It's not McDonalds! You cant just put in your order and expect it turn out exactly how you imagined it. Chances are that is YOUR will, not God's.). 

Well, God wasn't having it that day. 

I don't know if he was just annoyed by my lousy prayer like "Girl! You haven't prayed to me in years and THIS is what you waste your first prayer on? No 'hey, hows it going?' Not even like- 'hey, let's end world hunger'? You want to get HIT ON?!" or maybe he just wanted to answer my prayer in the best way to open my eyes and make sure to bring glory to him (and not get me too distracted by country boys) because you know what happened?

In that entire room of cowboys, you know the ONE GUY that hit on me? 

The entire night!

The rodeo clown!

I kid you not. Not 2 minutes after that prayer, he made a joke and looked up- straight at me- and said "dang girl you are pretty! You! Right there!" Mortified, I turned and tried to make it look like it was the lady behind me. "You! In the blue hoodie!" Oh, yep, no that was me. Shoot. 

And it didn't stop there. He continued to publicly hit on me the entire night. I think he even started referring to me as his girlfriend.

.... And yes, there is a point to this story. Honestly, it would still be years after this story took place before I felt the tug to go to church, to pray about real problems, and to turn over my life to Christ. But this is the first moment where I remember allowing myself to think about Christ differently than I thought about Santa Claus. The first moment where I entertained the idea that he was listening to even my prayers. 

The moral of this story isn't that you should pray to get what you want. Nope. Exactly the opposite. What I'm trying to share here (in my own, off-beat, around the bush kind of way) is that your prayers- even the ones that are stupid or shallow- they are being heard. They are probably being answered too just sometimes in ways you can't see or can't recognize. My mom used to say "sometimes an unanswered prayer is a blessing in disguise". But it's not unanswered, it's just not always answered in the way that we would like. You may be praying for a relationship (yep, I do that) and it's not happening- and that's the answer. He knows your heart better than you do, better than your friends and your family, and He knows the heart that He designed to be the perfect match for yours. It's not that He isn't giving you that relationship- it's that he's waiting for the perfect timing to give you the relationship He designed for you. And maybe you  are praying for a specific person or a specific job and you don't get that specific job or person, but he is answering your prayers in ways that are bigger and better. You just have to stick it out and have faith. 

But here is lesson #2. Yes, maybe the story above was about a shallow prayer, but I honestly do believe he answered that prayer. Which just goes to show you that no prayer is too stupid or little to be prayed. Yes, pray about the big stuff- talk to God when you are questioning things, when you are stressed out, but also talk to him about the little day to day stuff too. He wants to be a part of your life. He wants to know the lame little stuff. He's willing and eager to listen, if you are willing and eager to share. 

Oh, annnnd while I was gone- this happened!

Random Acts Of Kindness

Well, Halloween has come and gone which means it's officially Christmas time. Well, fine, Thanksgiving season but everyone knows Thanksgiving is really just the pre-Christmas practice feast where you talk about how thankful you are for all those people you have that you'd like to buy presents for... right?

No? Okay, well, in my family it is.
Actually, in my family, Christmas season starts in October.
In my house, Christmas goes through Valentines Day.

But this year, I'm turning more focus on Thanksgiving- mainly because this year I'm hosting my family (some of them at least) for Thanksgiving dinner. We're talking cooking & planning the menu *hopefully with some help- hint, hint Mom!*, setting up, the whole shabang.

And the more I think about Thanksgiving, the more I think of the last Thanksgiving I cooked for myself...when I was living in Florida.

 As a Disney intern, I missed the holidays with my family but in my stubbornness, I was determined to make every holiday special nonetheless. It was the first year I had ever even thought about how to cook a turkey or what to serve for Thanksgiving. My mom and grandma had always taken care of all that in the past. I just woke up, watched the parade, and ate more pie than I ever would have thought humanly possible. But this year, I was determined there would still be turkey, there would be potatoes, stuffing, and the parade- even if it killed me.

You know that scene in the Santa Clause where Tim Allen burns the Christmas dinner? That is what my Thanksgiving reminds me of. Not because anything was burnt- I hold my own in a kitchen- but because my perfect Thanksgiving turned into a bit of a nightmare.

The night before Thanksgiving, I had everything all planned out. I made up my list and I headed off to Wal-Mart (which in Orlando was always a nightmare). As typical in Orlando, there was a homeless man in the parking lot in ratty jeans. His shoes had holes in them, his shirt was dirty. He had an umbrella (thank goodness, it was pouring) but evidently that was about it. He hit me up for money on my way in the door. I said I had no cash without even looking in my wallet and I walked right past him into the store.

In the store, I loaded my cart with everything imaginable. Turkey, potatoes, stuffing, pie crusts, cranberries- I was having an excellent holiday, gosh darnit! Stuck in Disney World or not. It was going to be exactly like being back home. Except, I didn't know what type of turkey to buy or how to even cook a turkey and the more I shopped, the more I missed home and my family. The more I shopped the more upset I became about missing the holidays. I was homesick and buy the time I got to the checkout, I was really feeling sorry for myself (in fact, I had texted my parents 3 times by then telling them I was quitting and coming home for Thanksgiving). Pity party, party of 1. (In my defense, I had NEVER just completely missed a holiday with my family before!)

So, I get up to pay, I pull out my wallet, and... I grab the debit card. I swipe the debit card and put in the pin number. My card is declined. DECLINED?! But, I know I have money there. I, humiliated, fighting back tears, tell the cashier there must be some mistake, I just got paid even. She swipes the card again but you can see it in her face like "yeah, they all say that". It declines again. I look down and I realize- I grabbed the wrong card.

You see, my boyfriend and I were sharing a bank account. Same account, different card. And this was his card only I didn't know his pin number. Of course, there is a line behind me and I'm flustered. So, you know what I do? The only logical thing to do- I start bawling. Hysterically. After all, nowhere in my perfect Thanksgiving plans did it say "not be able to buy food at Wal-Mart." Frantically, I get out my phone and I dial his number and he doesn't answer. So, I try to plead my case with the cashier.

"It will go through as credit, can I sign for it?
"No," the cashier responds in broken English, "You not Christopher."
"No, I get that. But I'm on the account- do you want to call the bank?"
"No. Get out of line. I print receipt. You get pin number."

It took me 20 minutes to finally get an answer and a pin number and by the time I left I was both humiliated, crying like a crazy woman, and completely devastated. I was so over Thanksgiving. Holidays are stupid anyways, right? Who needed this lousy turkey anyway? I hate turkey! (Not really but that's how I felt at that point)  It's pouring rain, I was having an absolutely awful day, and I really just wanted to go home (really home, not to my apartment) and see my family and cuddle my dog and eat a turkey that someone else cooked because everything tastes better when it's cooked with love! (*imagine hysterically sobbing in between each thought*)

And, the homeless man from earlier started following me to my car.
He handed me his umbrella which I declined at first ("no sir, I don't want to buy your umbrella").
And then he said "I think you need this more than I do." And, I kid you not, he loaded all of my groceries into my car. All of them. In the pouring rain. While I stood dry under his umbrella.

He did it after I said I had no cash.
He did it for no reason other than that I had obviously had a really lousy day.
I couldn't get over it.

Sometimes, I wish I could run into that particular homeless man and tell him how much of an impact he had on my day (and my life) by taking that memory of a really horrible (and really selfish- seriously, holidays aren't about the food) experience and turning it into a lesson on kindness.

Because sometimes, there is nothing in it for you. I had blown him off, written him off, not even checking to see if I had money and he, knowing I probably didn't have any cash on me, went out of his way to help the crazy girl crying outside of Walmart in the pouring rain.

And when I think about Thanksgiving and what I'm thankful for, he always pops into my head. When I'm angry or frustrated, he pops into my mind. When I'm stuck between my stubbornness or being kind to someone who maybe doesn't deserve it- I think of him.

Each time, the memory reminds me that even though I may not seem to have much to gain by helping someone- maybe they have something to gain. Maybe they need that random act of kindness. Maybe they'll learn from it, grow from it, think of it on their darkest days, and then pay it forward- and that makes it worth it every time.

My family and I when they visited me during my Disney internship.

A Negative Side to Positive Thinking

I've gone back and forth debating whether to write out todays post or keep it to myself. As I'm writing it now, I'm not convinced I'll end up clicking that "publish" button that is glaring at me from the top of the screen.

To post or not to post.
That is the question.

The thing is, this isn't my typical happy-go-lucky post that I like to write. And it's not that I'm writing this from a sad place or that I'm less happy than usual but I realized this week that there is one huge down side to positive thinking and picking my perspective.

I realized that sometimes I just avoid actually dealing with things.

The thing about perspective is that the problem doesn't magically go away. It doesn't just stop existing. You simply make up your mind to not dwell on it. You push it to the back of your mind and you move forward and you focus on something else. You choose not to be sad or frustrated and you focus on something happier.

But it's all still there.
It's just buried under the surface.

Don't get me wrong- perspective is important. If you believe the world is caving in on you, it's easy to feel like the victim. Sometimes, it's necessary to hold your head up and tell yourself that you are going to choose to the make the best of a situation. That's a good thing- it is- until it isn't.

Because you're still human.

The doubt is still in the back of your mind. The fear is still very real. You are still disappointed.
Scared.
Nervous.
Vulnerable.

Allowing yourself to feel all those things is important. It's what makes you human, keeps you feeling alive. You have to take all that in with the good- not just shove it to the side and refuse to face it.

Change is an exciting thing but it isn't without it's price. Yesterday was the first day in a long time where I just felt the urge to curl up in a bawl and cry. Not because I was sad but because it was the first time I allowed myself to face the doubt. The first time I allowed myself to admit that I was worried, disappointed, or anxious. It was the first time I let myself face the negative and that made me feel so incredibly guilty.

And selfish.

And I felt like I was somehow letting everyone down by breaking- myself, my friends, the people who read this blog and then comment on how happy I am.

I really am happy.

But I'm also real. A real person with real thoughts and fears. I refuse to give into those fears, yes. I refuse to dwell on the negative but I realized that it was important to allow myself to feel all those things  in order to move past them.

The thing is I know without a doubt that everything will be fine. I'll find a new apartment, I'll love my new job, I'll hold my head up and I'll hold myself to a higher standard. I won't settle. I won't back down. I'll cross every bridge, every mountain, every angry river that gets in my path and I believe that the end result will be completely worth every second of it.

So, I think, the morale of this whole big thing is that I just want you to know- it's fine to cry or scream or yell or punch a pillow or whatever you need to do. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you negative. It makes you real. You can be the happiest person in the world and still have days where you just need to let it all out. The important thing about perspective is your focus on the end goal, I think. You just have to remember that even if things don't work out or aren't going how you want or even if you are just plain scared- you are so strong and you are so brave and you will find a way to make it work.

Whatever it is, if it's important enough to you, you'll figure out.
And every little bump in the road will be completely worth it.

Friday Letters

Dear Person Who Brought Donuts Into The Office Today- Are you trying to kill me? Twists, cream horns, chocolate covered, and CARAMEL COVERED?! It's like heaven (and a heart attack) in a box. On the flip side, I'm officially hyped up on sugar this morning.
 Dear Glee- THANK YOU! I almost skipped the Valentines Day episode because your story line has been yuck for 2 seasons now. But man, last night was good- so many story lines developing. You better keep those going. We're sick of your stupid theme episodes. YAY for Artie's love interest! Dear Family- Thank you for the Valentines yesterday. I cant wait to use my gift certificate to get my nails done.
Dear Potential Future Landlords- I would absolutely be lying if I said it wasn't sketch that you charged us $70 for app fees, almost a week ago, told us we'd hear back by Tuesday, and still haven't given us an answer. If you're after our money then just say yes so we can pay a deposit. I work in leasing so I totally understand it can take a while but come on now!
Dear Creepy Neighbor- Listen, this is the 700th time you've bothered me about my dog. Stop watching out your window for me to get home or let him out. It's getting weird. Especially if it's late at night, you are wearing a bathrobe, and wanting me to meet you in the shadowy part of your lawn to "talk". No, mam. So for the last time- I don't know how you know I'm moving, but my dog is coming with me. If by chance he wasn't, you would be my absolute last choice to take him. If he goes missing, your house will be first on my list of places to look. So, please, for the last time- stop. You aren't babysitting him, I feed him, he is fine, and no he's not for sale.
 Dear Little- It's GIRLS NIGHT!! I made a cake just for this occasion! AND Im making chicken parm for dinner. GET EXCITED! Scary movies also! I can hardly wait! Soon girls nights will be fewer and further between so I gotta take the ones I can get!

"Hello, mam. May I please speak with Jesus?"

If you've been scrolling my blog and just looking at titles, you would think I "found God" and was suddenly very, very religious.

If you've been actually reading the blog, you probably are a little worried for my sanity.

It's okay. I worry about it sometimes too!

That white dress? Yep. That was high school me's dream dress. Also, sorry Melani, I stole your picture.

When I was in high school, I spent about 2 months of my life working as a telemarketer. Seriously, the worst job I have ever had but I wanted a prom dress that was $700 and I was determined to make those payments (Side note: I didn't in fact make those payments. My parents bought that dress. Sorry, mom!).

I was the kind of telemarketer who worked outbound calls trying to sell people insurance for their credit card. I hated that job more than basically anything. I'm thoroughly convinced that if I end up going to hell (let's hope that doesnt happen!) but if I do, it's going to be an exact replica of that business, with me permanently strapped to my chair, taking call after call, constantly repeating "Hello, Mrs. Smith. My name is Destiny. How are you doing today? I'm calling in regards to your account with _____________. No, no nothing is wrong with your account. I'm actually just wanting to let you know that we have a debt relief insurance that will protect your account in the unfortunate event that you were to lose your job or become injured! It's only $10 extra per month and will protect your account for up to $10,000! Let's sign you up for that, okay?!" The whole time my manager will be saying "SPEAK WITH A SMILE!" and the jerk supervisor will be reading off everyone's sales for the week (I usually had like 2. I was not telemarketer material and I'm quite fine with that!)

Anyways, one day I got a particularly interesting screen that told me I would be talking to Jesus. JESUS!!! Oh my lanta. If I'm being honest with you, I had an uncontrollable giggle fit. What a cocky name- Jesus. "Oh, yes. This is my son. Jesus Christ Jones. We think he's the second coming" or when he's in trouble- "JESUS CHRIST!! You get your butt back here RIGHT THIS INSTANT! You've really done it this time!" Oh, the perks of having a child named Jesus.

Obviously, high school me was a mess of giggle fits at that instant.

Eventually, a Mexican woman answers the phone "Hello?" and I, through a fit of giggles say ... "Hello, Mam! I'm looking for Jesus." (Bahahah! sounds like I'm having a spiritual crisis). She replies "Jesus?" and I say "Yes, mam. Jesus. Is he home?"

She pauses for quite some time and then replies "You mean Hay-Seuss."

Oh, snap.

Ever since I've been thoroughly convinced that Jesus Christ is really just a Mexican man named Hay-Seuss. We've got the story all wrong, you guys.

I'm starting a church!

I have a serious confession- I love rap music. No, really. LOVE it. But not your typical rap music- I have this strange obsession with rappers who are actually really intelligent. For instance, Childish Gambino kind of melts my whole heart. That's Donald Glover's rap project- Donald Glover is also a stand up comedian, a former writer for 30 Rock, and an actor (have you seen Community?!). Let me tell you- that boy is smart and talented.

Well, have you seen the Watsky "white kid raps fast" video on Youtube? Fun fact- Watsky also does POETRY SLAMS! which are incredible even though I was a bit skeptical at first. The video below is called "Drunk Text Messages To God" and it's about what his religion would be like if he started his own church.

 

So, in honor of Watsky, I'm starting my own hypothetical "religion". I think I'm going to call it the Church of Destiny. I know. It's not very creative. But thats ok because...

At my church we believe in bubble baths,

hot showers.

We never stop at one glass of wine

when we could go straight for two.

 

At my church, we do pasta for 3 meals a day

We never worry about getting fat

Or if our jeans are going to fit the next day.

 

At my church, we encourage people to take the plunge

We revel in fear

We do the things that scare us the most

 

At my church, we are crazy with two crays!

 

We believe we have no restraints.

That we can tackle every situation that is thrown at us.

We have faith in ourselves.

 

We skip winter

Fall and Spring

And live in an endless summer

 

We do days at the lake,

sunbathing, jet skis.

We encourage traveling and traveling alot.

 

We have gypsy spirits

That get restless and wonder

But thats okay, because life is an adventure and you only live once.

 

At MY church, services are midday

We can go to bed early

and sleep in late

 

At my church, our hymnals are filled with showtunes.

The choir sings accapella mashups

and I always get the rap parts.

 

Our pews are covered in chevron throw pillows.

Our choir robes are covered in sequins

and we believe that the Good Lord likes things that sparkle.

 

We only have one commandment

and that is the golden rule.

 

At my church we dont turn you away

because you are different, or think different.

We encourage you to express yourself and embrace being exactly who you are

 

We believe in debating,

in remaining respectful,

and in embracing viewpoints that differ from your own.

 

At my church

we focus on the good in the world

We look for things to love in every person we meet.

 

We drink Pepsi and hot Cheetos for communion.

We read sci-fi and fantasy for our sermons

and we talk about our adventures as our testimonies.

 

In the words of Watsky- "I'm not Jesus Christ .... but I can turn water into koolaid!"

 

 

What would your church be like?



The time I took a step off the ledge and just kept running...

 

GUYS! I got the phone call. THE phone call.

Which means I put in my two weeks notice at 7:57 AM this morning.

I think it's the first time I've ever almost cried about quitting a job.

But I LOVE my job, my co-workers, and my boss.

It's been the most perfect, awarding experience.

But I know where I want to be and this new opportunity will get me there.

My boss was very gracious and understanding.

I, however, am a nervous hot mess if I ever saw one!

Of all the things I struggle with change is the worst.

But if you never allow yourself to make changes,

you will never improve.

You will never move forward.

And as scary as it all may be,

it's even more exciting.

 

So, here's to this new adventure in this crazy wild ride I call life!