Betcha didn't know that I had that ability, did you? No? Yeah, it surprised me to! But you ever have those moments where for no real reason at all something just gets in your brain and it sticks- it eats at you, it consumes your thoughts until you think "GOSH DANGIT! THERE HAS TO BE A REASON FOR THIS?!" so you act on it? That's pretty much what happened to me. (And God, if you are reading this- we've got to work on our communication skills, man!)
I felt so pulled towards this idea that had been placed in my head. I prayed about it, thought on it, prayed on it again, asking the people closest to me for advice, and then (oh yeah!) prayed some more. The idea was still there. So, I took a step toward acting on it, and thing after thing lined up just perfectly so that I found myself thinking "YES! THIS IS IT! FINALLY! ALL THESE PRAYERS ARE BEING ANSWERED!"
And at first, it genuinely seemed that way! But you ever get in one of those situations where things are just going perfectly, exactly like that picture you've painted in your mind but then all of it sudden, one thing after another, everything somehow turns into the exact opposite of what you had envisioned? Story of my life! (You'd think I would just stop thinking I could understand how the Big Man works and yet- here we are!)
Lemme just tell you- it's a weird thing to see what you want to do and what you have to do and have them completely contradict each other. It's even weirder, perhaps, to encourage things to go the right way when you really just want to be selfish. Forget not being on the same page- I swear, some days it feels like MY plan for my life and GOD'S plan for my life aren't even in the same section of the library!
I'm going to be really real with you- I was completely disappointed and kind of frustrated at God. Like, honestly, at this point it just felt like he was taunting me. Like, hey let's take that life you want and let's get you so close you can taste it and then let's just take it back. That's super fun right?
Except, honestly, my train of thought was completely wrong like usual. Do you know how many times I think about Gods plan for my life? Like 1000 times a day! Do you know how often I think about how God is using me to fulfill his plan in OTHER PEOPLE's LIFE? Not even daily. Heck, probably not even weekly.
What a terrible realization.
Listen, I'm not holy. I'm not above making mistakes, not above getting a little off course. I'm prone to overthinking and getting over excited and jumping the gun. I can be selfish and vain. God knows that. He gets that. He loves me in spite of all that.
I hope I'm not alone in this but sometimes I get caught up in the message that God loves ME, God has a plan for ME and I fail to even acknowledge that a huge, important part of that plan involves him working THROUGH ME to bring his glory to light in the lives of others. Sometimes that involves making choices that are the opposite of what I want. Sometimes it involves discomfort, inconvenience, or disappointment for me as a human but these things are all temporary. The grace of God is permanent. His love is permanent. The plan is there still, it still exists- but having faith that he has something amazing in store is not the same as shopping in a catalog and picking out the parts of life I want. His "big picture"? It is so much bigger than me as an individual.
And that is a pretty beautiful thing.
