Hello, little blog project that I neglect over and over and over again. Some days I wish I was the sort of person who could just write to write but at last, I just am not. And if I'm being completely honest- life has been CRAZY recently, in the best way possible!
I'm officially working TWO full time jobs. Yes, two. That's 16 hours of work in a day. Which actually sounds a lot less crazy then it feels sometimes. One of my jobs is an overnight shift so I tend to run on very little sleep during the week and catch up in massive doses on the weekend. I expected it to be hard but if I'm being completely honest, I wasn't expecting the havoc it would wreak on my emotions and ability to connect with the world around me. There are moments where I've literally been too tired to respond to the people around me- and often just find myself sitting and listening. I've always been a terrible listener, truly, so it's probably good that I'm getting in the extra practice. There are also times where I just don't have the energy to hide what I'm feeling- be it elation, annoyance, or sleep deprivation. On the other hand, I've learned to love 3 AM heated debates about relationships and the different ways peoples express their emotions and vulnerability (and kittens in microwaves, but whatever- that may be another blog post for another day!).
Ironically, I feel like I've been living the vulnerability debate recently.Vulnerability to me, is one of the most uncomfortable feelings in the world. I've often likened it to allowing someone to rub hand sanitizer on a million little paper cuts you thought had heeled but hadn't, much to your dismay. It's such a weird game to step into a situation and be like "This is it, this is me. Some people don't like it. Some people can't handle it. I can't change it. I'm broken and insecure and awkward- but I hope you'll accept me as I am". It's scarier yet to allow someone to have any affect over my emotions, especially because I've worked so hard to learn to be happy on my own. I'd be completely lying if I said I didn't struggle with the vulnerability thing on at least a weekly basis.
On the other side of that debate though, is this- I firmly believe that if you aren't living a life that forces you to be vulnerable, you aren't truly living. Think about it! Anything you are truly passionate about is terrifying in the sense that you could lose it at any second (now I know that sounds highly negative here but bare with me)- there are no guarantees in life. So, in order to avoid that vulnerable feeling that comes with the idea of suddenly not having the things/people/experiences I care most about- the only real option is to cut off my emotions. I could work a lack luster job that I don't enjoy just because it pays my bills and can easily be replaced with another lack luster job if I needed to, I could (okay, fine, I have) date people I knew I couldn't really connect to because it beat being alone and didn't make me fearful of what I was risking. I could avoid real personal connections, stop telling people how I feel about them, and just go on with my safe mediocre life.I could live a life that was unadventurous and mundane.
At the end of the day, I can honestly say that terrifies me more than anything else.
I don't want any life that I'm not living wholeheartedly. I don't want to surround myself with people who I don't truly need in my life. I don't want to stop having things that I'd be afraid to lose. I want to feel everything there is to feel and experience everything there is to experience and a large part of that is pushing past fear and self doubt and making myself be vulnerable. There is far more to gain than anything I could lose. I know this choice isn't for everyone but I choose to feel completely and not numb myself to the experiences I crave to have just because they are scary, potentially painful, or overwhelming. Do I always handle things gracefully? Nope. Do I freak out from time to time? You betcha. Would I have it any other way? Not even for a second.
This is my life and I'm doing everything I can to truly live it.
