A Negative Side to Positive Thinking

I've gone back and forth debating whether to write out todays post or keep it to myself. As I'm writing it now, I'm not convinced I'll end up clicking that "publish" button that is glaring at me from the top of the screen.

To post or not to post.
That is the question.

The thing is, this isn't my typical happy-go-lucky post that I like to write. And it's not that I'm writing this from a sad place or that I'm less happy than usual but I realized this week that there is one huge down side to positive thinking and picking my perspective.

I realized that sometimes I just avoid actually dealing with things.

The thing about perspective is that the problem doesn't magically go away. It doesn't just stop existing. You simply make up your mind to not dwell on it. You push it to the back of your mind and you move forward and you focus on something else. You choose not to be sad or frustrated and you focus on something happier.

But it's all still there.
It's just buried under the surface.

Don't get me wrong- perspective is important. If you believe the world is caving in on you, it's easy to feel like the victim. Sometimes, it's necessary to hold your head up and tell yourself that you are going to choose to the make the best of a situation. That's a good thing- it is- until it isn't.

Because you're still human.

The doubt is still in the back of your mind. The fear is still very real. You are still disappointed.
Scared.
Nervous.
Vulnerable.

Allowing yourself to feel all those things is important. It's what makes you human, keeps you feeling alive. You have to take all that in with the good- not just shove it to the side and refuse to face it.

Change is an exciting thing but it isn't without it's price. Yesterday was the first day in a long time where I just felt the urge to curl up in a bawl and cry. Not because I was sad but because it was the first time I allowed myself to face the doubt. The first time I allowed myself to admit that I was worried, disappointed, or anxious. It was the first time I let myself face the negative and that made me feel so incredibly guilty.

And selfish.

And I felt like I was somehow letting everyone down by breaking- myself, my friends, the people who read this blog and then comment on how happy I am.

I really am happy.

But I'm also real. A real person with real thoughts and fears. I refuse to give into those fears, yes. I refuse to dwell on the negative but I realized that it was important to allow myself to feel all those things  in order to move past them.

The thing is I know without a doubt that everything will be fine. I'll find a new apartment, I'll love my new job, I'll hold my head up and I'll hold myself to a higher standard. I won't settle. I won't back down. I'll cross every bridge, every mountain, every angry river that gets in my path and I believe that the end result will be completely worth every second of it.

So, I think, the morale of this whole big thing is that I just want you to know- it's fine to cry or scream or yell or punch a pillow or whatever you need to do. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you negative. It makes you real. You can be the happiest person in the world and still have days where you just need to let it all out. The important thing about perspective is your focus on the end goal, I think. You just have to remember that even if things don't work out or aren't going how you want or even if you are just plain scared- you are so strong and you are so brave and you will find a way to make it work.

Whatever it is, if it's important enough to you, you'll figure out.
And every little bump in the road will be completely worth it.

Friday Letters

Dear Person Who Brought Donuts Into The Office Today- Are you trying to kill me? Twists, cream horns, chocolate covered, and CARAMEL COVERED?! It's like heaven (and a heart attack) in a box. On the flip side, I'm officially hyped up on sugar this morning.
 Dear Glee- THANK YOU! I almost skipped the Valentines Day episode because your story line has been yuck for 2 seasons now. But man, last night was good- so many story lines developing. You better keep those going. We're sick of your stupid theme episodes. YAY for Artie's love interest! Dear Family- Thank you for the Valentines yesterday. I cant wait to use my gift certificate to get my nails done.
Dear Potential Future Landlords- I would absolutely be lying if I said it wasn't sketch that you charged us $70 for app fees, almost a week ago, told us we'd hear back by Tuesday, and still haven't given us an answer. If you're after our money then just say yes so we can pay a deposit. I work in leasing so I totally understand it can take a while but come on now!
Dear Creepy Neighbor- Listen, this is the 700th time you've bothered me about my dog. Stop watching out your window for me to get home or let him out. It's getting weird. Especially if it's late at night, you are wearing a bathrobe, and wanting me to meet you in the shadowy part of your lawn to "talk". No, mam. So for the last time- I don't know how you know I'm moving, but my dog is coming with me. If by chance he wasn't, you would be my absolute last choice to take him. If he goes missing, your house will be first on my list of places to look. So, please, for the last time- stop. You aren't babysitting him, I feed him, he is fine, and no he's not for sale.
 Dear Little- It's GIRLS NIGHT!! I made a cake just for this occasion! AND Im making chicken parm for dinner. GET EXCITED! Scary movies also! I can hardly wait! Soon girls nights will be fewer and further between so I gotta take the ones I can get!

"Hello, mam. May I please speak with Jesus?"

If you've been scrolling my blog and just looking at titles, you would think I "found God" and was suddenly very, very religious.

If you've been actually reading the blog, you probably are a little worried for my sanity.

It's okay. I worry about it sometimes too!

That white dress? Yep. That was high school me's dream dress. Also, sorry Melani, I stole your picture.

When I was in high school, I spent about 2 months of my life working as a telemarketer. Seriously, the worst job I have ever had but I wanted a prom dress that was $700 and I was determined to make those payments (Side note: I didn't in fact make those payments. My parents bought that dress. Sorry, mom!).

I was the kind of telemarketer who worked outbound calls trying to sell people insurance for their credit card. I hated that job more than basically anything. I'm thoroughly convinced that if I end up going to hell (let's hope that doesnt happen!) but if I do, it's going to be an exact replica of that business, with me permanently strapped to my chair, taking call after call, constantly repeating "Hello, Mrs. Smith. My name is Destiny. How are you doing today? I'm calling in regards to your account with _____________. No, no nothing is wrong with your account. I'm actually just wanting to let you know that we have a debt relief insurance that will protect your account in the unfortunate event that you were to lose your job or become injured! It's only $10 extra per month and will protect your account for up to $10,000! Let's sign you up for that, okay?!" The whole time my manager will be saying "SPEAK WITH A SMILE!" and the jerk supervisor will be reading off everyone's sales for the week (I usually had like 2. I was not telemarketer material and I'm quite fine with that!)

Anyways, one day I got a particularly interesting screen that told me I would be talking to Jesus. JESUS!!! Oh my lanta. If I'm being honest with you, I had an uncontrollable giggle fit. What a cocky name- Jesus. "Oh, yes. This is my son. Jesus Christ Jones. We think he's the second coming" or when he's in trouble- "JESUS CHRIST!! You get your butt back here RIGHT THIS INSTANT! You've really done it this time!" Oh, the perks of having a child named Jesus.

Obviously, high school me was a mess of giggle fits at that instant.

Eventually, a Mexican woman answers the phone "Hello?" and I, through a fit of giggles say ... "Hello, Mam! I'm looking for Jesus." (Bahahah! sounds like I'm having a spiritual crisis). She replies "Jesus?" and I say "Yes, mam. Jesus. Is he home?"

She pauses for quite some time and then replies "You mean Hay-Seuss."

Oh, snap.

Ever since I've been thoroughly convinced that Jesus Christ is really just a Mexican man named Hay-Seuss. We've got the story all wrong, you guys.

I'm starting a church!

I have a serious confession- I love rap music. No, really. LOVE it. But not your typical rap music- I have this strange obsession with rappers who are actually really intelligent. For instance, Childish Gambino kind of melts my whole heart. That's Donald Glover's rap project- Donald Glover is also a stand up comedian, a former writer for 30 Rock, and an actor (have you seen Community?!). Let me tell you- that boy is smart and talented.

Well, have you seen the Watsky "white kid raps fast" video on Youtube? Fun fact- Watsky also does POETRY SLAMS! which are incredible even though I was a bit skeptical at first. The video below is called "Drunk Text Messages To God" and it's about what his religion would be like if he started his own church.

 

So, in honor of Watsky, I'm starting my own hypothetical "religion". I think I'm going to call it the Church of Destiny. I know. It's not very creative. But thats ok because...

At my church we believe in bubble baths,

hot showers.

We never stop at one glass of wine

when we could go straight for two.

 

At my church, we do pasta for 3 meals a day

We never worry about getting fat

Or if our jeans are going to fit the next day.

 

At my church, we encourage people to take the plunge

We revel in fear

We do the things that scare us the most

 

At my church, we are crazy with two crays!

 

We believe we have no restraints.

That we can tackle every situation that is thrown at us.

We have faith in ourselves.

 

We skip winter

Fall and Spring

And live in an endless summer

 

We do days at the lake,

sunbathing, jet skis.

We encourage traveling and traveling alot.

 

We have gypsy spirits

That get restless and wonder

But thats okay, because life is an adventure and you only live once.

 

At MY church, services are midday

We can go to bed early

and sleep in late

 

At my church, our hymnals are filled with showtunes.

The choir sings accapella mashups

and I always get the rap parts.

 

Our pews are covered in chevron throw pillows.

Our choir robes are covered in sequins

and we believe that the Good Lord likes things that sparkle.

 

We only have one commandment

and that is the golden rule.

 

At my church we dont turn you away

because you are different, or think different.

We encourage you to express yourself and embrace being exactly who you are

 

We believe in debating,

in remaining respectful,

and in embracing viewpoints that differ from your own.

 

At my church

we focus on the good in the world

We look for things to love in every person we meet.

 

We drink Pepsi and hot Cheetos for communion.

We read sci-fi and fantasy for our sermons

and we talk about our adventures as our testimonies.

 

In the words of Watsky- "I'm not Jesus Christ .... but I can turn water into koolaid!"

 

 

What would your church be like?



The time I took a step off the ledge and just kept running...

 

GUYS! I got the phone call. THE phone call.

Which means I put in my two weeks notice at 7:57 AM this morning.

I think it's the first time I've ever almost cried about quitting a job.

But I LOVE my job, my co-workers, and my boss.

It's been the most perfect, awarding experience.

But I know where I want to be and this new opportunity will get me there.

My boss was very gracious and understanding.

I, however, am a nervous hot mess if I ever saw one!

Of all the things I struggle with change is the worst.

But if you never allow yourself to make changes,

you will never improve.

You will never move forward.

And as scary as it all may be,

it's even more exciting.

 

So, here's to this new adventure in this crazy wild ride I call life!