A Negative Side to Positive Thinking

I've gone back and forth debating whether to write out todays post or keep it to myself. As I'm writing it now, I'm not convinced I'll end up clicking that "publish" button that is glaring at me from the top of the screen.

To post or not to post.
That is the question.

The thing is, this isn't my typical happy-go-lucky post that I like to write. And it's not that I'm writing this from a sad place or that I'm less happy than usual but I realized this week that there is one huge down side to positive thinking and picking my perspective.

I realized that sometimes I just avoid actually dealing with things.

The thing about perspective is that the problem doesn't magically go away. It doesn't just stop existing. You simply make up your mind to not dwell on it. You push it to the back of your mind and you move forward and you focus on something else. You choose not to be sad or frustrated and you focus on something happier.

But it's all still there.
It's just buried under the surface.

Don't get me wrong- perspective is important. If you believe the world is caving in on you, it's easy to feel like the victim. Sometimes, it's necessary to hold your head up and tell yourself that you are going to choose to the make the best of a situation. That's a good thing- it is- until it isn't.

Because you're still human.

The doubt is still in the back of your mind. The fear is still very real. You are still disappointed.
Scared.
Nervous.
Vulnerable.

Allowing yourself to feel all those things is important. It's what makes you human, keeps you feeling alive. You have to take all that in with the good- not just shove it to the side and refuse to face it.

Change is an exciting thing but it isn't without it's price. Yesterday was the first day in a long time where I just felt the urge to curl up in a bawl and cry. Not because I was sad but because it was the first time I allowed myself to face the doubt. The first time I allowed myself to admit that I was worried, disappointed, or anxious. It was the first time I let myself face the negative and that made me feel so incredibly guilty.

And selfish.

And I felt like I was somehow letting everyone down by breaking- myself, my friends, the people who read this blog and then comment on how happy I am.

I really am happy.

But I'm also real. A real person with real thoughts and fears. I refuse to give into those fears, yes. I refuse to dwell on the negative but I realized that it was important to allow myself to feel all those things  in order to move past them.

The thing is I know without a doubt that everything will be fine. I'll find a new apartment, I'll love my new job, I'll hold my head up and I'll hold myself to a higher standard. I won't settle. I won't back down. I'll cross every bridge, every mountain, every angry river that gets in my path and I believe that the end result will be completely worth every second of it.

So, I think, the morale of this whole big thing is that I just want you to know- it's fine to cry or scream or yell or punch a pillow or whatever you need to do. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you negative. It makes you real. You can be the happiest person in the world and still have days where you just need to let it all out. The important thing about perspective is your focus on the end goal, I think. You just have to remember that even if things don't work out or aren't going how you want or even if you are just plain scared- you are so strong and you are so brave and you will find a way to make it work.

Whatever it is, if it's important enough to you, you'll figure out.
And every little bump in the road will be completely worth it.